Normally I'm not trudging thru a junk market outta' necessity. Normally motive alpha would be combing the paru plastic beaches for toyish treasure. Normally I don't 'work' there.
Normally.
However, I was at said junk market today, obscenely early, last night's stir-fry on my breath... gimme coffee or gimme death. I swear I tried to turn my head, but if an action-figure is going to the bin I feel obliged, as if it's my absurd duty, to liberate it. One man's trash... yada yada...
There were two, but who wants a double shafting?
Really I'm cramped for space, but hey! Is there an intact action-figure in amongst all that shitey cardboard and plastic? Gimme that!
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| ...whatever...he ain't so young... |
I know, I know. Cats born in 1990 (that're 20 somethin' now) they'd be like "Ooh, Youngblood. I remember that..." whereas I'm more, "Oh, Youngblood...I remember that...".
When it comes to this '90s non-retro junk. Ah. Okay, lay down cardback.
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| ...gee, Spawn, din't see that coming!... |
Looking at this line up from '95, can't help thinking I dig basically every other character over Shaft. Honest - Shaft = last pick.
Badrock, Crypt, and Troll in particular have appeal.
Truth be told if Shaft was your favourite Image comics character, you were probably that dude what always played Ryu in Fighter, always went Haohmaru in Shodown, always chose Zero in Kombat. Worse, you got away with it because you always won.
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| ... in case you intended to take an eye out... |
Aww, c'mon. Killrazor? Shi? Stryker? Grunge? Anyone but Shaft... he's just so... generic...
Some o' my bros were fairly gaga in the '90s for Image comics. "Grifter is sooo cool" - gambit rip-off with a military bent, anyone? He smokes, has an overcoat, and cool hair that defies the law of physics. I was, true blue, an X-man geek all over. Sticking to my safe super-powered soap operas from Marvel. Style over substance wi' that Image jazz, I'm tellin'ya! (plus a gazillion ads at the back of every issue)
Profile. If anyone gave a cracked cue-ball's tit...
Look, sometimes you can base your success as a character on whether or not Isaac Hayes has a song about you, but I got trouble recalling the lyrics 'carrot-top' or 'baby-blues' anywhere in Hayes' version of Shaft. I don't think 'Ivy-league jock' was in there either...
-"Who's the man who's got biceps bigger than his entire head?"
-"Shaft."
-"Damn, right!"
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| ...not a crotch shot, I promise... |
Truly? Took me two seconds to notice Shaft's bow might just be set permanent in his right fist there. Interesting, and upon opening...
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| Never bring a tracksuit to a knife fight, son. |
Da. The bow is sculpted in. Unremovable. They were saving on molds that day, huh?
How absolutely Mcfarlane!
Shaft sure has an unhealthy addiction to that long range weapon there. Also, I can't help thinking, if you weren't me (which yore not) you'd find it a reg'lar pain in the ass to get Shaft on his feet. (I have a patient knack for plastic bipedal balance)
Seriously. Why did comic artists in the '90s feel the need to depict heroes with total geisha feet and ankles smaller than their penises?
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| "Yes. I get to be leader! Again!" |
I think it's inevitable we take the time to consider Shaftie's head-gear.
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| If I missed any obvious choices, seriously tell me! |
Shatterstar had all that logical kempo padding. Gambit and Havok, original at least with the lycra. Firestorm had the fact his head was on fire as a visually distracting focal point.
So how does Shaft 'xpect to get away with it, without being noticed?
Eh, duzn't matter. If nothing else Shaft has some alright articulation. I'll never pretend to know what he's carrying in all those strap-pockets (serious course of antibiotics?), or why he don't carry a quiver when he's a frakkin' bow-man, but articulation is ball joint in the right arm, and his knees give him the perfect height for sitting on my girlfriend's temari when she's not around...
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| If gangstas had bows. |
"He's a complicated man, but no one understands him like his ballista."
Aww yeah, he has a projectile all-shooty-trident which is a sweet bonus. Take that Commander Adama! Just don't see how he can pick his nose, let alone make a sandwich now. What with the perma-fix bow an' all. Certainly no reaching for overhead lockers with them shoulder pads either. I won't bother with a back shot. Suffice to say he has buttocks tighter than a klingon's forehead to match a facial expression like he's just stepped on a fetus. Crap, now I feel all sorry for 'im, which I blame purely on readin' Catcher in the Rye prior to this post.
Nya-well you should prob'ly just congratulate me on not breaking into Eels considering all The Boosh I've been watching...
"Look, pour your glass to halfway and be a realist about it whydon'cha?" - Rihia2k
"Bouncy bouncy...oh, such a good time."
I'll be fair - an' say its got good hands-on playability.
Well, shafted myself enough for one day...
Screw it, I've got sweet muscat to drink and bloody Conan comics to read...
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