Warmonster is Hell (cont'd)...

... I'm tryina say continued there, not conted.
Nobodys gettin' conted on this blog today, thanks.

Warmonster, hnnh! Good God, y'all! What is it good for?
About $2.75 actually. Say it again yeah.

Last post: I'm tryin' to be a good boy & not splash all my $2.75s in one place. Didn't stick to that.
I'm-a busy-like, some permanents never change. Change for example.
New car, new job, new abode, new paperwork, new boxes to pack, new drug test - (I'm sure I've pissed in more jars than I have my own toilet for all the menial, temping occupations I've had).
So at least you have the peace of mind I'm not typing up blog posts tripping balls in my spare twenty minnits.

Yeah, lotta' new occurrences.
Same ol' plastic.

... brutha from anutha undead mutha ...

I knew I'd go back for Verde-skull, have I even slept since last time? But reducing myself to the purchasing of Joe-Human took grit, man. I'm in no way a completist with toys, but four is a nice, balanced number.
I'm gonna add for the record I actually like this packaging method. Yes, it's cheaper than a 90s pick-up line but it's tidy and practical, m'kay?

... Versus er, nothing in particular ...

Where it says, "specifications colours and contents may vary from illustrations"? Yeah, you can omit 'may' from that sentence. Your packaged contents come with a certified guarantee that they will vary from this image more than an orangutang's snot bubble varies from a Lamborghini.

... always two, there are ...

Weapons are x2, randomized in pack with the figs. The scythes new, but I believe I'm missing a scimitar.
No, rihia2k!, do not go back to the dollar store for a cheap toxic plastic scimitar for crying out loud.

On to Joe the Human.

... Turok or not to rock? That is the question...

I had to hunt through a couple of the Joe Human guys 'til I found one with his shoulder-pad and blowhorn attached. Not that others had theirs lying at the bottom of the packet, they just didn't have 'em period.

... "breezy in here" ...

Why do I really despise this guy so much? Because his skirt-belt doesn't hide his uni-buttock?
Naw, it could be that too many human action-figures sold in cheapo-crap-stores have disproportionate pin-heads and massively whack paint apps to the eyes. Instead of coming across as battle hardened elite veterans, well, they just look like panicking shell-shock victims at best. Be it bug-eyed or beady-eyed, but always confused.

-"Joe! What is best in life?!"
-"Ur, spatula dirigible??"

There's something about fraggin' it out in epic battle against barbaric orcs, feral preda-thingies and the brutal undead which makes a confused expression and double-vision somehow out of place.
And while we hope he's wearing football black make-up, there is a chance his pupils are just leaking fluid from a grievous stab wound.
Yum.

Ever onward and upward, because I don't think it gets lower than Joe the Human.

Introducing: Verde-Skull Uniceros.

"We're coming up from the deep..."

Straight outta' Davy Bones' locker.
Loveable lack of chest cavity contents on this Verde fellow here.

Verde's cape is made purely of near-gelatinous plastic, well, okay it's soft. Good for getting scythe bearing, oddly angled arms and bulbous shoulder pads around.

... Wanted: half-way decent tailor for the dead ...

Yep, you've done it again (insert companies name here). Showing a little more crack-uh-jack than customers are allowed to display even in Walmart.

Eventually these guys're getting a repaint. Which is saying somethin' about their impression on me considering I haven't painted a miniature in... oh, sixteen years. Done plenty of fine repairs, touch-ups and customs since, but working from scratch - been a while. I guess there's just some groovy little sculpts with potential under all that splatter-ass work.

He's geared up with some land-ravaging boots which, while slackly painted, will look purty as a pony with a little touch up. You might wanna note his left foot is... normal, when you compare it to his velociraptor-toed right. I took it as a screw up initially, but closer inspection tells me otherwise.
Laws of symmetry? Warmonsters don't obey, buster.

If the crew that pumped out these figures wants to get in trouble for imitating Skeletor, they're just gonna' have to get in line. It's a long line at that. Honestly though, the ripping off and bootlegging of popular fantasy/toy material has been going forever, so in the East I don't think anyone's keeping tabs. And if this is stealing from existing Chap Mei molds - I wouldn' know.

When this company (whatever they may be called) sat around their marble table with highly-paid super-talented artists and designed this guy, I'm sure he wasn't intended to be the Warmonster equivalent of Florence Nightingale or Leon Trotsky.

But guess what? This is my toybox, champ.

... horn to be wild ...

 And that's what I've always loved about knock-off low key lines.
Masters of the Universe technically remains my fave toyline, but the Galaxy Warriors and that whole family of MOTU cash-ins are up there on a pedestal all their own.
No proposed back story, chief. Meaning all hero/villain alignments, objectives, abilities (and basically the whole fantasy universe in which the characters belong) leaves the ball in the kid's court.

When all's said and done Dreadstar had Syzygy, Small Soldiers had the Gorgonites.

... gettin' Syzygy with it ...

What 'm I saying? That the Undead are people too? Equal rights for Goblins? More ugly good guys in fiction?

I'm sayin' if rihia2k wants Verde-skull Uniceros to be a mighty maggot-ridden protagonist standing gallant with his too-short loin rag blowing in the wind, revealing his decomposed junk, as he faces off against various injust dickheads - so be it!

(oh, and he gets Joe the Human as a bumbling side-kick, inept at making sandwiches)

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Anyone in a hurry to say 'with age comes wisdom' is probably an old fool" - rihia2k

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit: turns out my version's packaging (with a logo resembling a '7') apparently belongs to China Toy Factory based in ChengHai. They released another Warmonsters line under the grand title: 'Barbaric World Crazy of Wars'.
These very same character designs were also released by Ntoys / New Element toys based in Guangdong, China. Totes different colour schemes, packaged with playsets/beast mounts and boxed with names like 'Super Dragons' and 'Devildom Contend'.
Yet another company Maggie Toys Global have Warmonsters under the guise of 'Pirates'. Maggie Toys are responsible for all those horrendous faux-Batman figures, Spidey on a quad bike, and the notoriously vexing Cowboy Playset.

And I'm sure it don't end there...

Product Displacement / Warmonster Is Hell...

...

 

Hmm, to blog about, what?

*Dealing with real estate agents? 

Which is basically like Double Dragon. In so much as it's a team up - "us against the world!". Until the last level, in which you have to effectively smash each other into bloody oblivion  to achieve the common goal.

I Want A Decent House Price VS I Live On Commission Based Income.

But, hey, we won so everybody's happy.

*Having an intact spine?

And no funerals to attend. In so much as I was in a near-fatal car crash - "weee! screech! roll, roll, roll!" Workmate and his girlfriend thrown 30m from the vehicle (bag o' broken bones, they), and me still inside, doing things like, aw y'know, getting the driver not to die, holding his head shut and neck still 'til the medical-types can staple that shit up and rush him to surgery.

Reminding him to breathe, etc...

Boooring.

Though I will admit I'm pretty happy to have walked away from it with only (lots) of soft tissue damage and copious amounts of someone else's blood on my Sonic Unleashed t-shirt. (Don't worry it washed out fine).

Apparently you get a day off work for that too. So wear your seat belts, kids.

--------------------

Let's just skip to the interesting bits.

Like I want sunglasses.

Cheap sunglasses... today.

While I never achieved that goal, because I couldn't find a pair at cost which didn't make me look like a certifiable retard, I did achieve - CRAPPY TOYS!

Prior to picking on the prize, let's just ruminate on some of that dangerous goodness I shot with the phone in-store.

Yes. Yes that is the villainous Shredder, or at least his bootleg counterpart, telling us to "DEFEND THE PEACE OF THE WORLD!" I suppose the no-prize solution would be to view it as a challenging threat. Or a request to hold the  'peace' just until he gets his Technodrome running again.

Perhaps they should have named this toy, "Rape Of English", because apparently no one minds. It's much more important for our youth to have firearms ability than grammar skills anyway, right?
Besides this is the "best weapon gift for the children", it says right there.
Above the part where it says, "enjoy something something your parents", obscured by handcuffs.

Bravo.

... rhymes with Nerf ...

What says SMURFS DANCE PARTY in 2014? Nothing says Smurf Party like a silver automatic machine-gun with a scope attached.

I can't see the Smurfs as anything but targets in this context. Suspected demographic? = Gargamel.

I'm sure this was totally backed by Peyo.

Anyhow, despite being a busy boy, I've still been 'ccumulating figures on a casual basis. Shingeki No Kyujin & Voltron this... vintage and modern Star Wars that... a week doesn't really get by without a handful of plastic acquisitions. Still, it's feeling a little bulk-back-door-delivery, winding up in the storage room in short order. While my landing gear might be on the tarmac, I still ain't stopped moving on the runway yet (I'm saying I still ½ live outta' boxes). Buying a place should change just that. In the meantime....

... Impromptu cheapo craps!

...um, am i confuse...?

Warmonster to be precise. Yeah, so it isn't sunglasses and honestly that human guy above isn't material that would make me blink twice. I adamantly despise his face paint applications.

 No it took a skull-faced medieval psychopath to make me look closer. He had some alright deal going on with the hollow chest-cavity and torn cape but I was still put off by Joe-Human's seriously crappy paint job and broken/missing armour attachments. So I passed...

... hang on.

Orc-thing!? Preda-thingy!? Swoop!

I thought I'd give 'em a blast, and maybes I'll return for Verde-Skull if it isn't a total loss. High doubts on returning for Joe-Human though, cos this is already stoopin' to another level of crud... even for me.

... color me badd-ly ...

So he was the cincher, Mr. Orange Orcness here. His boot and armour apps are still utter poo but I'm adorin' on the head sculpt and black print pattern there. Possible the head's just reminding me of DC Comic's 'Demon' with the ears but feels like I seen it before. I'm not sure what to add-up with that bullet-belt Orc is sporting, considering the insert card reads "Ancient Times. Warmonster."

It also says "Great War" beneath that, though it took me two minutes to decipher, being in such a small stupid font it just looks like "Groot Wob".

Back shot just to express the limited deets applied over the sculpt. Chap Mei Toys can completely get away with it. These... ain't Chap Mei however. Note the left leg in that shot is a different hue of orange.

My back up plan right here. I'm not a Plan B type guy, but I figured if it all turned to toxic pear-shaped custard I at least had some melee weapon cannibalizing to show for it.

Holds the weapons spot-on nice too. Which was a surprise. I remember crap-tastik toys like this (and even a few fancy lines) having odd-size accessories and firm-brittle plastic fingers rendering their holding skills useless. These cats sport a little flexibility to the consisitency of their plastic. Works out.

"All your yell are belong to us"

Over to numero dos. I was considering just settling with Orc at the time, until I figured he mite need a sidekick to throw around or at the very least a comparison bro for their primordial gym sessions.

Preda-thrust! Ooh yeah!

Besides this guy couldn't be any more Predator Yautja if he tried. And he is trying, just not by having a better paint-job.

See? Even the spear's crying "I'll get you Danny Glover!" to a degree. Man, I gotta' wonder on the popularity of those hand-shaped back scratcher batons. Plenty of obscure toy lines sporting those.

Essentially I'd forgotten how good it is to have a few throw-about figs at hand. I mean their cheapness is blatant but are they gonna' provide any less fun than the over-priced super hero line-up when it comes to child's play?

Better than telling your kid to keep 'em in the packet for thirty years cos it'll be 'collectable'. Or scolding Little Timmy for playing too rough.

Leave 'em inna sun, chuck 'em inna dirt, take 'em to the beach, they're cheeper than candy. Just... yeah, don't put them in your mouth, huh?

Traces of that silver paint rub off at the slightest brush.

Don't fret, I'll be sure to update within a week if I break out in some heinous skin disorder or have an airway or two close up on me.

"An obsession with life has the potential to be far more catastrophic than any obsession with death."- rihia2k

Breaking Nudes...

... this just in.

Wow.
(palm)

I love my country. Little old Nude Zealand er, New Zealand.
Heck, I imagine I love most every country on Earth. Provided this doesn't necessarily entail loving it's inhabitants.

Yep, sans the human idiotas, everywhere is beautiful.

Today, Spark (formerly Telecom), one of New Zealand's largest internet/phone service providers commented it was suffering massive outages to a decent chunk of it's customers.
(It ain't they're fault, they're not the only ones, never been my service provider so I ain't criticizing, I'll stick with the smaller business)

Nowadays, Jennifer what's-her-name Lawrence (Hunger Games star) has her image cache hacked and naked pics of herself leaked online.

Question 1: How does one of New Zealand's oldest and wealthiest service providers have this bad a mess after just spending a fortune on image and marketing revamps?

Question 2: Why does anyone, let alone an internationally famous person, so desperately need naked images of themselves stored on the web or a remotely accessible device?

Forget it, only 1 Answer: Telecom/Spark's services are down for many customers due to Jennifer Lawrence's unclad photos circulating online. That is, there's so many New Zealander's desperate enough to see Katniss in the nick right now, they're downloading malicious software and gunking up internet service.
Wow. Good on ya, NZ. (You horny little hobbits, you.)

Man, that's just embarrassing. And sucks for any innocent family out there trying to stream Shrek on Telecom and failing.

Of course, Telecom/Spark are on the job, which often requires calling the customer suffering from bad service issues. Ha!
In fact, right now must be the only time I'll ever consider how great life could be as an internet call centre operator.

-"Yes, Mr. Brown? I believe you're having trouble with your connection?"

-"Er, oh... yes, I was, er, just.. checking the time in Guatemala and, ah... appear to have downloaded a virus."

-"Just remotely accessing your computer now, sir. If you could please start your Task Manager and access the Networking tab, Mr. Brown?"

-"networking... networking, um..."

-"That's the fifth tab from the left, sir.... directly beneath Jennifer Lawrence's right boob on your screen, Mr. Brown."

Personally, I don't get it. The fascination with famous people in the buff. I'm assuming anyone scouring the net for a select famous person naked has seen a naked person on the net before. And, hey, skin a rabbit - you'll see rabbit flesh. Everytime.
As I was just discussing with my girlfriend, shouldn't it actually be more attractive to see a stranger/normal/new person nude? Rather than the same overbearing billboard advertised news-article-thrust-in-your-face individual? That same individual, paraded day after day, but without clothes. It's about as exciting as a bread sandwich.

So, yes. I love New Zealand, which is why I'll keep my curiosity piqued for what's around the next obscure country road, or what's beneath that rock/beyond those trees. Still, if you're desire is insatiable for what Jennifer has goin' on underneath, here... J-Rex has a few books she could lend you...

What are we hoping we'll find? 
"Oh, look, Kim Kardashian's ass has a hole in it. Astounding."
Because I highly doubt you're gonna' find your name tattooed on Ms. Lawrence's bum.
Quick, go find out.

>-------------------------------------------->

Then again, Hunger Games only instilled four words in my head the whole time;
Battle. Royale. Long. Walk.
And the hope that Katniss' name were actually Catness, and she'd have a brother named Goatness and nephew Hedgehogness...

Alas.


"Eyes are the windows to the soul, but you'll notice even the best made window either tints, warps, magnifies or obscures what's on the other side." - rihia2k.

Goblin's Gold. (Gold!) ...

...

Always believe in your soul
You've got the power to know
You're indestructible --- hmm, mm, mmmhm mm...

<ahem> <ahem>

I would apologize, but I was born 5 months before Pacman.
So Spandaux Ballet references are just gonna' come out, 'ight?

Actually 'reviewed' a Holdson boardgame a post or two back.
But daresay this games got a little more something going for it than dreaded Hoodwik.

Yey hah, Goblin's Gold. Licensed by Holdson. Published by Jumbo Games, er... something like that.

2-4 players.
30 mins playtime
Ages 7+

Rules are rules, huh?
Boxshot...

Note: Goblin's Gold, also released as Magical Maze ... somewhere out there.
But I get Goblin's Gold here in Southern Hemisphere Land.

So? What would a boardgame's boxshot be without an inane summary of the playin' rules?

... you put it together, unless you're one of those lazy manipulative kids ...

... VIOLENT. MALE. TROLLS ...

While chasing the gold, Goblin the magician is constantly blocked by violent male trolls...?

That's quite unnecessarily specific.

Violent Male Trolls. Who don't pay child support.
Hopefully Holdson's gender outlining instructions resulted in a massive reduction in domestic violence... in Switzerland... that year. Yeah... hopefully.

It's charming our main protagonist is named Goblin, yet doesn't resemble the standard villianized, homogenized, pasteurised Goblin archetype prevalent in Hollywood flicks or TSR games.

Aw, he's magnetic too. Relevant to Senõr Goblin's gold trawling objectives.
 

 Folding board...

9 subterranean maze boards...

 

... perfect for fridges and rangehoods ...

1 x magnetic gold piece...

And, like, 29 violent male trolls... all screaming Kilroy Was Here...

... and your set.
(Edit: make that 30, one was hidden in a tub of cowboys and indians)

How's It Work?
Nice and simply.

... hell if you have a fear of domes ...

Randomly 'ssort your nine subterranean boards...

... no dice, chum ....

With our magnetic gold piece sitting in the centre, the randomly arranged panels have an interchangeable maze of ridges set up on the underneath ...

... board atop that, get yer Goblin on.

The magic is that when the gold playing piece 'neath the board connects to Goblin through the panel it draws his magnet and raises his arm. Hit a hidden barrier below and he drops the gold, lowers his arm. Simple, but original. And certainly enough of an angle to keep the younglings interested.

Players simply take turns shifting Gobby across the play field and when you inevitably hit a ridge...

... it's troll o'clock.

... comparatively 10'' tall. But  male. And violent. And Goblin hates to share ...

Trolls basically serve as the memory token of a previously blocked path prior to the next players turn. Fortunate, cos y'know, wizards = senility and the like.

To Win.

Get Gob's shite to your corner and you shall have towered above and beyond your peers in every way.
And you'll have a decent fridge magnet to show for it.

Ayup. That's the deal, rinse and repeat. Despite it's absurd simplicity, it's a clever gimmick, I find GG to have a decent shot at re-playability too, provided you let it sit a couple months between fireside evening blasts.

------------------

Still bugged by those trolls being pinned down as violent honestly.
- Annoying? yes.
- Path obscuring? doubtless.
- Cock-blocking? probably.
But if Gobby's afeared for his well-being, maybe he shoulda' requested a lil' back-up.

'Cos this game would be over a lot quicker if it were called Chinasaur's Gold.

Totalled.

----------

"Give a man a fish: and you'll feed him for a day.
"Teach a man to fish: and he'll probably join a corporate fishing giant and destroy your humble livelihood." - rihia2k.

Okay.