-What did the Roman cannibal feel like after dining with the princess?
-Gladiator!
Geddit? Glad-he-ate-..., oh, that's terrible. I henceforth quit humour.
What I don't quit, however, is toys. Been on a cheap toy kick of late. Sure some MASK stuff and TMNT bits have flown in but considering my 'toy cave' isn't up and running to the optimal level of display shelving desire: instant gratification and low price tags were inevitable.
So, kupo, time to churn an' burn thru some horrendous cheap plastic morsels.
3 lines, namely;
*Demon
*Gladiators of Rome
*Beast Angle Gladiator
First, 'owever, I must remind myself of the terror ever lurking in cheap import stores just a-waitin' to be unleashed on unwitting children.
Avatar Super Power
> Remember that scene in Avatar where Jake Sully exchanges his standard flying reptile for a leonopteryx upgrade, then exchanges his leonopteryx for a yellow-wheeled MX bike? Sure ya do...
Ben 10 Funny Model
> Ya know when Dad says you're allowed one toy and you can't decide between a play-phone and a Ben10 doll? Problem-a solved-a...
No. 320E
> Some children can't git enough military action-figures and toys. It's natural, having exhausted every avenue of GI Joes, noise-making rifles and army dress-up, that you'd provide your loved one with a set of 12 seated soldiers, 3 desks and 6 dalmations...
 |
| ... The Men Who Stare At Dogs ... |
The potential play options are endless.
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Enough, let's ...
... Demon my life away ...
Demon Destroyer Series
I picked these guys up in QLD whiles back, hunting adhesive tape in a dollar store. It didn't require Nostradamus' foresight to know I wouldn't be leaving with just tape.
 |
| ... 'Destroyer series', and probably the only series, honestly ... |
I liked the plastic 'egg', and, of course, the tacky horror packaging art. But really, I need scant prompting. Woulda' picked these plonkers up were they stuffed into condoms stamped with a photo of Ron Howard.
I like me a 'Werewolf'. Certainly more than vampires. Yes, realize it's like choosing 'tween Ford / Holden, Robert. E Lee / Ulysses S. Grant, or paper / plastic for most. Fact I dig lycanthropes only makes this guy more heartbreaking. This fuzzball, the 'Gargoyle' and the 'Vampire' share some ug-ly hip design for new toys.
Fortunately - the 'Vampire' of this line. Pleased with that! No suave, sparkling romantics here. Enjoyed Stoker's book, 'Dracula'. Like my Vamp mythology kept in perspective with - reeking, cannibal corpse. 'Low life', 'monster', 'hellish' are words you can throw in too. 'Robert' or 'Patterson' not so much. Also if you've ever hand-fed bats you'll notice they approach you en masse, upside-down, peeing all over themselves screaming and smelling like poos. I know teenager's are weird but if R-Patz did that even he'd be pushing the 'sexy envelope'.
Oh, and 'dead'. I associate vampires with 'dead'. So lower the risk of being a closet necrophiliac, leave romance to Cyrano de Bergerac, huh?
No 'Gargoyle' aficionado, me.
Know they take their name from being part-time water gurgling spouts is about it. Always bemused by the idea 'evil' could be warded off by ugliness. Is there a pair of devil's-minions out there right now saying, "Oop, let's not break into that house for souls, their ornament's got crap British teeth!"? I also thought that, by design, gargoyles would be the good guys as well? Ah, maybe some're on the take.
Whoomp, there it is!!
Hm, er, Hunchback... Igor maybes? Nah, it's 'Zombie'. I frequently forget his name, no individual names being present on the Demon packaging cards at all. Suppose now's as good a time as any to mention Demon's manufacturers ripped these characters off of Mega-Bloks one hundred and twenty percent!
Stumbled 'cross such knowledge by fluke (majority of my knowledge comes in that way), 'cause I don't know from Mega-Bloks. These also didn't strike me as counterparts to Dora the Explorer. Origins are Mega-Blok's Plasma Kreaps toyline ... if anyone's keepin' tabs.
Let's get a lil' closa...
... each Demon 'ere has an opening jaw hinge, neat, si? It really goes down better with your tooth and claw characters. The humanoid's jaw drop looks less menacing - more, "just won backstage passes to Judas Priest", surprise.
Yessir. He sits near top o' the line for me. Cos he's busting out Brahm's Requiem? Has super super-deformed hands? Nope. More for the fact he looks like he was painted by a tuberculosis cough.
Gruesome horror toys are hardly new, but where McFarlane or NECA horror goodies have their gore placed neatly (not an eviscerated, decapitated hair outta' place), 'Zombie' muchacho here is an accidental Adam Chaplin sliding up next to television's Omen IV.
I sometimes confuse him with my compost...
Grease might be the time, the place, the motion. Grease might even be the way we are feeling. 'Mummy', though, is the way I am playing.
Yup, Mummy is the word. Is the word that you heard. It's got groove, it's got a visible spinal column and single-red baleful eye. Actually it does have grooves, without which it's limb sculpting would be completely identical to 'Zombie'. There's two base designs with these six cats. One for humanoids, one for beasties, but still enough difference 'layered' onto each sculpt.
As I've seen before with some cheapo-crap dragons, which I'm assuming are total Mega-Bloks rip-offs now, two back-pegs support Demon's extra pieces (I wouldn't call them accessories). Wings, and extra backing intended to fill out certain characters.
 |
| ... "don't act so surprised, hun. Compared to my last boyfriend, yore a total catch" ... |
!
I know. Thanks. Always save the best for last.
Unfortunately, I've been staring at this screen too long, my ability to throw terrible over-enthused witticisms has up and left me along with this 'Ghoul's' internal organs.
Like the inside of my cranium this Thursday, 'Ghoul' is simple. Simple is ace.
Being a lousy rip-off only places 'Ghoul' in that special vein of appreciation, a reminder of those comics that weren't quite Creepy or those shoes which weren't quite Bata Bullets.
'Goule l'simple' also has a charming little head right there. Look, yeah, I know that's just a skull, no whistles or bells, but it's a tidy job.
And makes lazy easy as a quick whip-up Skull-Patriot.
 |
| ... stay grim, Jim ... |
... Rome Sweet Rome ...
Gladiators of Rome
Let's get the hell outta' Demon Dodge and over to Ancient Rome for a spell. Whadd'ya say?
(for a spell, hyuk)
Post Demon, my toy habits got back to standard. Vintage bric-a-brac-a-crap plucked from the sweating cracks of junk stores/markets or finely internet sieved thru my personal bargain filter.
And then disaster struck in a cheap import store, while hunting out Hawaiian leis or balloons or something ... I'll never been the same.
It's 'invincible'. It's the 'best gift for the children'. Can't really do better than that.
Things could be worse. Way worse.
As painful as reading my blog may be, it could be 100 AD, you could have some be-helmeted dork poking you with a sharp object, sand in your undies and a plump regent shoving grapes in his face giving you the thumbs down.
Gladiatorial fun-times weren't all beer and skittles, no sah.
These toys, however, are beer, skittles and vodka pancakes rolled into a magic carpet.
Oh, for the record, DIY, the company behind these guys, ripped 'em off from a bunch of Schleich collectables, I'd have preferred to stay blissfully ignorant of that.
Unsurprisingly - Schleich quality? - maybe not.
(but, hell, their limbs move and their accessories come loose... always welcome.)
Packets don't usually excite, but...
Hoo-freakin-rah, DIY!
It's a card-back slide out. Don't ask me why big name toy companies don't have easily resealed card-backs available. Should I hazard it's got somethin' t'do with affecting mint-in-packet/collectable qualities? A simple design overlooked?
Prooobably more like a corporate ka-ching thing. Why offer your punters two display options for one figure when it might stop you selling doubles? Meh, maybe I jus' made that up.
Either way it gets DIY a joyous and wet, happy slap on the chops from me.
Oh, our card-back gives us more than resealable sliding.
It tells us to collect them all. Them being:
*Roman Soldier
*Secutor
*Thracian Gladiator
*Retarius
*Mirmillo Warrior
and
*Shield Sword Fighter
Just the historical name accuracy here would get me to question DIY's ground-up creation of this line. I'd have been impressed.
But who cares? Stats. We get stats. Meaningless, meaningless statistics on each warrior's card.
Hoboy, feeling 12 just reading tha'.
Vitality, Magic, Attack, Defense, Velocity, Critical. Yadda, yadd-uh, waitaminnit. Magic?
Need to to pull out the history books, clearly.
Forgotten all about the use of Magic on the gritty grounds of a packed out amphitheatre.
Of course I always thought men's nipples were further apart than that 'Secutor' artwork suggests.
What would I know?
Secutor
I'm sure you have no idea but there was once a film called '300'. No tickets were sold. Nobody watched it and nothing happened. Spartans suddenly fell out of all popularity and life moved on.
Wait, that might not be correct. Oh, that's right, rather every-bloody-body watched it. Every male aged 5 to 35 started screaming, "This is Sparta!" and kicking people down holes during lunch breaks. And for the next 18 months 75% of all cats, dogs and babies born were named Leonidas.
Awright. 'Secutor' here is very obviously the intended headliner of the Gladiators of Rome gig. Secutors in history were definitely not what Gerard Butler was trying to portray in 2006 and it's almost a sign of ultimate restraint that DIY didn't garb him in a flowing crimson cloak. It's such oozing cheese and blatant Leonidas-licking which places him low on my glory list. Don't need letters behind my name or the title of Professor to know a Secutor was coated in heavier armour, more easily resembling Mad Max's 'Humongous' dressed as a member of Gwar than slow-motion-lovin' Leonidas-pants.
Thracian Gladiator
3x accessories. Ooh, that's nasty. Nice nasty.
I'm sure you have no idea, but there was once a film called 'Gladiator'...
Heh, just kidding I won't start that again, but for anything from this toyline resembling an actual 'Thracian Gladiator', try scrolling down this blog post to the 'Murmillo Warrior'.
And then try unseeing Sven in the buff:
Relevance? It's there...
... 80s action-movie legend Sven Ole Thorsen played Tigris in Ridley Scott's Gladiator back in 2000.
And the resemblance between Tigris n' Thrace-face is muy conspicuous. Right down to sportin' a blade and an axe. Sweet set-up, and given that the life expectancy of your average gladiator couldn't be worse if they were forced to chain-smoke and drink-drive between every battle, he needs it.
'Thracian Gladiator' mask = instant cold-eyed creepiness.
Shield Sword Fighter
Well, DIY can't get it wrong with this guy. The name accuracy is impeccable.
Shield - ✓check.
Sword - ✓check.
Fighter -✓check.
As far as ancient schools of combat go I believe this design pertains to Schleich's actual intended Secutor, all of these being borrowed sculpts. Right arm wrap, left leg greave, frothing like a rabid, it all works. Despite such efforts, in my Gladiators of Rome toybox he's fodder on the arena floor.
I'm betting that in the minds of the makers he was destined for hero duty. This undisguised judgement is based on the simple rationale that you can see his face.
Facial visibility in your fighting toys = hero.
Full face helm which remains irremovable = villain.
It's all a touch discriminatory really.
Ha, that rage-face...
"I HAD A LITTLE BABY BROTHER AND HE WAS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY!"
Retarius
Sigh, great.
Went and checked out old 'Furiosa Road' at the cinema last week, meaning it's been almost impossible to not make every second sentence a reference to Mad Max while I'm yakking about gladiators.
This guy ain't helpin' ...
... I should probably give up and start singing "We Don't Need Another Hero".
But, heysa, least they got the weapons right for Señor 'Retarius'. Even if they did borrow his stylings from two pre-existing figures this time (top half Safari, bottom half Schleich).
In junior years I thought the net was a lame-o piece of gladiator gear to be equipped with. Reckon that net appeal makes more sense nowadays. Play your cards right and you'll have your foes tangled up in no time. Of course, play your cards wrong and you're left with a clumsy trident to assist in all future ass-kicking.
 |
| ... "I said, kkmmff, mmhgphl, mmph" ... |
Wow. That helmet rules. More specifically, it rules for me. Probably absolutely blows to wear. Like wearing an iron monkey's armpit, and if two horseflies egress from your comrade's carcass and decide to mate on your chin, how are you going to scratch that? How. Are. You. Going. To. Scratch. That?
Eh, s'pose it's a blessing that 'Retarius' gets a breeze round his knees. Those Romans weren't hesitant about loadin' a brother up in ludicrous quantities of cumbersome armour for entertaining ridicule.
 |
| ... wood'nt you know it ... |
Ah, um, there's wood leftover from the creation process in 'Retarius' inner arm. Seriously can't nut-out which toy molding step requires leaving chunks of lumber floating about your project's articulation point. Qua-Lih-Tee!
Sure DIY have a secret altruistic explanation.
Speaking of secrets, be nice to find out who hides under that helmet.
Hm! Evidently it's Mickey Rourke. No brainer.
(you're right, I popped that on there. DIY aren't quite so amazing)
Murmillo Warrior
 |
| ... murmillo sweet chariot ... |
Hereabouts I go bananas. See, this is 'Murmillo Warrior' easily confused with an actual 'Thracian Gladiator', who instead looks like a stylized film character, not unlike 'Secutor' who instead of looking like 'Shield Sword Fighter', looks like a random Spartan.
You stay out of it 'Retarius'!
I'll drop a shot of a 'Thracian Warrior' this has borrowed from. You get a nice idea of paint slops n' sculpt skews that way.
Just a touch tighter.
Have to add this guy exudes 'generic character' qualities, holding the dubious honour of dying first in any modern portrayal of gladiator life.
Yuhp. Far from being collectable as any o' Schleich's offerings. About as far off as walking with a rusty bike-frame when compared to flying business class. But y'know what? 'S alright.
If you're kid ain't the studious, refined type keen to study static models, and is instead the type of child who's middle name is 'bashy bashy raah play play', these are easily the better investment.
I did think the 3+ yrs caution label was a touch on the young side though. I mean I've nearly eaten 'Murmillo Warrior's sword 4 times this morning. But then I am blogging in front of a bowl of rice.
Roman Soldier
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| ... "I similis rice" ... |
If you started your career as a soldier in the Roman army, then somehow wound up kissing gravel in the Coliseum, you probably made one or two dumb mistakes at work.
'Roman Soldier' is very plainly a Roman soldier. DIY obviously piled him in to make an even six figures for Gladiators of Rome. He really does feel like a tag-a-long too.
Romey's legs swivel at a straight angle, allowing him to descend into the heart of the battle with all the grace of Happy Feet or Charlie Chaplin. His scabbard is also capable of holding ... nothing.
Growing up on a solid foundation of Asterix comics and a variety of other media showing ancient Roman soldiers as unarguable twats, it's hard not to imagine this member of the Roman Legion as:
a) being punched up into a tree
b) aspiring to be a despotic Legate and marrying his horse.
We have a tendency to forget that in 70AD there were a lot of dicks on the dance floor, and they weren't all proto-Italians. Sure there were tonnes of Roman army initiates just plodding through life with a wife & kid back at the flat.
It's sorta' pleasant to consider, regardless of a thousand years or two, people weren't necessarily so different. Just nice normal, normal ...
 |
| ... ut plus vini, ut plus vini. Nunc! ... |
... um, normal...
Nevermind. DIY looks set to undo all my hard culture-unifying work. Stereotyping just got inevitable. Sigh, when I was thinking Ancient Romans were something outside of wine-guzzling depravos, DIY practically named this line Crazy Russian, Crazy Roman, Fat American of the World for me.
Still, without the Romans we wouldn't have this 'ole gladiatorial 'culture' to draw from. And the Roman Military was pretty intense:
Sorta' equates to the primitive Mobile Battle Bunker of historic armies for me. Subtle, subtle like a stick in the trochlear.
 |
| ... "Glad Crew do what the Glad Crew do! ... |
 |
| ... "yearh, I'm totally into, like, uh... magic and junk, y'know" ... |
 |
| ... "this point in my career just feels like I could take out any of the big cats. Tigers, leopards, lions, panth- hey, you hear something...?" ... |
... Capturing The Beast Angle ...
Moving right out of Gladiator territory now into... er, more Gladiator territory?
Beast Angle Gladiator
With fantasy being what it is in pop today though, Gladiator, Warrior, Knight, Vengeful Cobbler - it's all the same.
Ooh hoo, more burnt offerings from DIY.
I will actively avoid looking and, basically, acknowledging that this was ripped-off, or from where.
Time is short and there's fantasy monster 'gladiators' to be ground up n' mashed.
Again, jubilation for the slide out card-backs, but from memory these mooks were stapled not taped.
"BEST GIFT" DIY are telling not asking. And this time is not, "Best gift for the children", just, "BEST GIFT". Period.
The. Best. Gift... Ever.
Beast Angle Gladiator's line-up:
Orc Warrior
Tauren Warrior
Wild Boar Were Warrior
Werewolf Warrior
Sheepshead Wizard
Eagle Warriors
I'm going to get 'Eagle Warriors' out of the way.
The one I don't actually have. I reached a point where ducking into '$1-2-3 shops' in out of the way towns became disturbingly habitual, all in the name of an elusive 'Eagle Warriors' figure. Not that it was ever my prime objective in visiting said towns, just always sizzling at the back of my brain-pan. In fact I endeavoured to enquire with a shop keep if she held any more in stock (holding up an 'Orc Warrior').
"We have this one. Same." came her optimistic reply.
Unfortunately she was holding up a dinky 12 inch flashing-lights robot in a box.
Being about the same as a live hedgehog, I thought it best to bolt the hell out once and for all, shed impending madness and let go my hunt for 'Eagle Warriors'. Worth noting it's the only jasper from this line with 'warriors', plural, in the title.
Army builder or perfect Engrish?
'Wild Boar Were Warrior' earns more than a handful o' chips for possessing such a great title.
'Were Warrior', that's gold.
I know DIY won't be receiving a shelf-full of accolades for design and originality. Heck, they'd be lucky to score $5 in a rigged game o' dice. But if the artwork above, at least, got pulled from their own sleeves I'll be content.
It's standard for figures to state, "product and illustration may vary" on packet. Hey, probably says that on your noodle packaging even. If DIY wrote anything on their packets to this effect it would be, "tough tits, sunshine". You get what you pay for.
'Wild Boar' came not with a sword and/or round shield.
'Wild Boar' came served with a side dish of handle-less shield crap.
Mmh, shouldn't complain, Beast Angle Gladiators came in alternate packaging in some countries without a single accessory between them.
But how's WBWW meant to wield that puppy?
Beast Angle Gladiator plastic is actual quite flexi-good without being super-soft. Wedged in a hand or 'tween armour segments the shield holds.
Suppose I'm a forgiver. Having despised AD&D's 'Eric the Cavalier' as a kid, scoffing at his 'shield-only' ways, Eric's amongst my favourites from the cartoon now. There's also a titanic quantity of MOTU characters who wield shields, and shields only.
My jaw juts for my prowess in toy diplomacy.
Yore alright, WBWW.
 |
| ... Thorin-cakes struggled to keep his shield envy inconspicuous ... |
Tauren Warrior
'Tauren Warrior' pictured above with a glorious cool lightning sword. So you know he's not going to come equipped with that.
Nay. TW comes complete with a battle-axe so enormous I suspect it's been sitting on a couch eating nothing but Cheetos and red sherbert for 6 years.
Never been a fan of weapons which serve to detract from the figure supporting them. I'd always go a Grenadier miniature over a TSR Goblin sporting a dagger pommel the size of a Porsche. With those over-zealous runes.
Man, rune overkill drives me batty. It's like pressing too hard on your eyes for 45 seconds... every two minutes.
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| ... aww, he's happy... about grass, or blood, or both ... |
I got bulls next door right now. Unlike the cows they don't lean over the fence and munch my olive trees. Saying that, they do occasionally bellow at the top of their bovine lungs while I'm sitting on the doorstep in the dark. Despite knowing precisely what it is, the sound's still startling enough to make you drop your phone when your not expecting it.
That noise. In humanoid form. Carrying an axe-head like a garage door. Scarier than every Girl Guide combined.
Sheepshead Wizard
Yummy. Favourite. Savour it.
My self appointed leader of the herd. Aww, see? These Beast Angle babies are turning into a harmless farm playset now.
This guy! 'Sheepshead Wizard' is the undisputed stoic, the undoubtable hood ornament of the set in my eyes.
Can't even place precisely what it is that outshines the rest. He can't moonwalk or wire up my stereo, just has a certain unchallenged top-notch solidity.
And that name, sweetheart! 'Sheepshead Wizard'.
Sheepshead Wizard. Say it 20 times out loud and you'll be grieved you were granted such a lackluster moniker at birth.
'Sheepshead Wizard', even cooler than being called a 'Wicked Fornicator' by a fundamentalist christian who disapproves of de facto relationships.
 |
| ... "A magic user?! With that armour? Hang on, gotta' look this up in the rulebook"... |
My dorper sheep are stroppy. Still, they ever greet me at the gate looking like this, I'm getting a refund on those zinc pellets.
Werewolf Warrior
'Werewolf Warrior' that should be straight up n' down enough.
The pic says it all. Like an advertising jingle.
"He's a werewolf, he's a warrior, he's a werewolf warrior."
Not a pillow pet.
Aw, mum, DIY. Why you gotta' messing with my werewolves?
I've seen them crossbows, they belong in with the reeaaaally crappy knights nobody ever buys.
The ones so dangerously cheap you can't even make fun o' them.
The ones so awful I expect they're painted with sulphuric acid and cyanide.
Werewolves suit crossbows like Master Shake suits advice.
If there's a stylish means for WW to hold his crossbow; you tell me, I'll pay you.
That branch-shooter only 'works' slung over his right shoulder. Ignored unless it finds future purpose when he turns back into Rutger Hauer.
Orc Warrior
Apart from bringing the 'Eagle Warriors' pretty-boy axe to the party, can you really fault 'Orc Warrior'?
Can you really fault an orc in general?
They're the zombies of fantasy literature and gaming.
About to plagiarise R. A. Salvatore, out of fresh concepts? Orc.
Need to spray paint graffiti on a dumpster, mental block? Orc.
Have to scream profanity, dining with the vicar? Orc.
 |
| ... orcus odyssey ... |
'Orc Warrior' is about the only Beast Angle Gladiator who gives off any actual gladiator charge. Even without the added extras of a cranial horn and hillbilly beard.
I always sorta' pitied orcs, getting a bum rap, less than minimum wage. Living only to score another bag of mushrooms & aspiring one day to afford track pants. Not to mention being introduced to the influenza virus from those pesky Bretonnians.
Orc-nuts works the unmistakable example of poor complexion. Nothing to do with forgettin' to change his pillow-case, it's the fact DIY didn't so much paint their figures as drown them in bubbly layers of melted crayon.
Aye. A motley crew indeed.
I might have saved these 5 gladiators from a one-way trip to the lion's plate, while I expect most DIY B.A.G. figures to be languishing limbless in the dark recesses of garbage dumps and storm water drains within 7 days of purchase.
Hardly means they'll ever be rare.
Cheapskates, pocket money earners and weirdos like me keep buying 'em - the makers'll keep pumping 'em out like Uruk-hai from a soggy sandpit.
Plus the Engrish literature they inspire is nothing short of brain elasticizing.
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“If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it.”
- Roald Dahl.
